Violence Against Ourselves
By Rafael Chang
From the April/May 2001 issue.

I recently read an article that changed how I view the negative self-talk and indulgences that we put ourselves through. It talked about how we usually view violence from the perspective of how others emotionally or physically have abused us in the past, but we never take into account the name-calling that goes on within our own minds and the neverending judgments we make against ourselves. It also spoke to the need to look at how and why we we use food, alcohol, cigarettes, drugs and sex in our lives and how they can be violent acts against ourselves.

This rumination, of course, was not helped by my getting a second cold/cough two weeks later. I began wondering how strong my immune system was and if it could combat the germs, virus, bacteria, or whatever it was that's kicking my ass. I also wondered how years of drinking and partying with various drugs have affected my brain and body. One thing I know for sure, though, is that the better I feel about myself, the less willing I am to do damage to my body.

After twenty plus years, I finally quit smoking, a life decision that may or may not hold and my body seems to be rebelling against all those years of pollution that I inflicted upon my body, not just with cigarette smoke, but also with the numerous drugs I swallowed and snorted. Although it has only been a month, quitting smoking seems different this time. Of course, if I go back to smoking, I'm not going to beat myself up for it. I'm just going to try again.

I quit almost all of the drugs about fourteen years ago and I am now pondering what it means to be Asian, gay, 39 and still alive. Most of my older friends have died of AIDS or left San Francisco, thinking that they could leave HIV behind. I still drink a glass or two of wine (against my doctor's orders, I should mention, because I discovered I had Hep B a few years back). I know what you're thinking: When is he gonna get a clue and start taking care of himself? The answer is that first, I have to get myself, or rather, my mind, out of the way and listen to the answers already inside.

If you relate to anything that I've written about in this article and ever have a few minutes, consider some of the following questions (you probably already have): What the hell am I doing in this relationship? Why can't I find the right man? Where is my life going? What the hell am I doing here? What does it mean to be an older gay man? For that matter, how have I viewed myself in terms of color or HIV status? Why do I eat, drink, or take so many drugs? What's my life's purpose? Is this all there is?

You may want to consider answering these questions with a close friend. Or take one of those personal development courses that California (especially San Francisco) is so well known for to help you figure things out. Find spirituality (or religion, if it suits you). You may even want to talk to a therapist about it. If you don't understand what going to therapy is all about, ask anyone who has gotten his or her life together. Chances are, he or she has either been in therapy or will recommend it.

I'm not one of those psychotherapists who believe therapy is the answer to everything. You may just want to find a mentor in your life because it’s never too late! And not just a mentor for work, but for your life.

What I can tell you is this: It's not in the endless clubbing, drinking, anonymous/multiple sexual partners and partying with various drugs. Your self-esteem isn't there. Trust me. I'm a psychotherapist. And if you don't want to trust a sometimes smart alecky therapist, ask yourself one night when you're going to sleep with no drugs in your system. Ask your gut, not your mind, if the answers to those questions are truly where you've been looking. As the old saying goes: If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.

Be gentle with yourself in this process of learning and growing and keep reaching out for support, whatever that may be. And regardless of past failures, just keep trying. You are bound to get the hang of things eventually.

Rafael Chang, MS, MFTI, is a long-time activist and currently works at New Leaf, a queer mental health agency as a staff clinician. New Leaf provides mental health, HIV/AIDS, substance abuse, psychiatric, children, youth and family services, as well as outreach to elders. For more information, call 415.626.7000. Rafael also does on-site counseling at Asian & Pacific Islander Wellness Center.

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